The Cypresses

The diary of Lucey Lacchesser aged 12

January 16^th 1897    We have just moved into a new house! Well, not a new house, but new for us, In fact it is a very old house which Daddy says was built on top of an old abbey. There are large stones and old statues in the garden. Some have been converted into rockeries and are covered with aubrietia of varying shades of purple.

There is a creepy part down by the old pond where there are rows of gravestones. Daddy and Mummy say that I can play anywhere else but not there. I am sure they are scared I fall in and drown. I can swim, but the pond water is a dirty colour and the weeds are thick. If I fell in I am sure they would wrap round me and pull me down.

January 18^th 1897    I didn’t manage to write anything yesterday as the teacher had given me a lot of homework. Arithmetic and English. Lots of sums and an essay to write. Yesterday was wet anyway and I wasn’t allowed to go out to play.

January 19^th 1897   It rained again today and by the time I got in from school I was soaked. Mummy said I was to take a bath and I used my Christmas present of scented bath salts. I felt like a grown up.

January 20^th 1897    I got a bit of a fright today. As a special treat Mummy let me play in the garden after school. I was running around the old stones and statues when I fell over and banged my knee. As I got up I thought I saw someone looking out of my bedroom window. It looked like an old person and I wondered if someone had come to pay a visit. I ran into ask Mummy but she said that we were the only people here and that I must have had a day dream. I was sure it was a person and it gave me a start.

January 22^nd 1897   I was off school yesterday with a chill. Mummy heard me coughing during the night and thought I had a bit of a temperature. It was great, Mummy ran up and down stairs carrying hot drinks. She gave me a little silver bell to ring if I needed anything.

In the afternoon I fell asleep, I had a short nap and then just as I was waking up I thought I saw the old lady again. I thought that she was standing at the bottom of my bed, but when I rubbed my eyes, she wasn’t there. I didn’t tell Mummy in case she thought that I had been dreaming.

January 23^rd 1897   I had a very strange dream last night. I dreamt I was down at the pond. I felt very naughty as Mummy and Daddy said that wasn’t to go near it. I was looking into the dirty water when I saw a pair of eyes looking up at me from below the water. They were the nastiest eyes that I have ever seen and I felt very scared. I woke up with a start.

I went back to school today and with all my friends round me I felt very happy.

January 25^th 1897    Something has been sitting outside my bedroom door at night when I sleep. There was a wet patch there when I woke up. It smelt horrible. Mummy said that there had been a leak from the roof, but I couldn’t see anything on the ceiling. Daddy said that he would get a man to have a look at it.

January 30^th 1897    The old lady was back last night. She seems to be trying to tell me something, but I can’t understand her. She vanished before I could shout for Mummy. I wish someone believed me.

School was boring today. The teacher was trying to get us to do sums, but no one could understand it, so we were all given homework to do.

January 31^st 1897      Today it rained and when I got back from school I played with my dolls until tea time. Mummy had baked a cake and I ate a slice with a cup of tea. Mummy asked what I wished for my birthday which is on March 12^th. I said that I would like a doll with a china head. I know they cost a lot of money but Mummy said that she would speak to Daddy. I returned to my room to play for a little while before I went to bed. The damp spot outside my door as almost completely dried up and Mummy sprayed some of her perfume on it to hide the smell.

February 1^st 1897        Woke up this morning early. The birds were singing their dawn chorus and I knew that it was too early to get up. I lay and tried to remember what, if anything, I had been dreaming of that night. I was sure the old woman was there and she was trying to point to something, but it was all cloudy and I couldn’t see what it was.

February 4^th 1897         Just recovered from a dreadful chill. I woke two mornings ago to find I was totally soaking. So was the bed and the surrounding carpet and it stank. I had screamed and Mummy ran through and scooped me into her arms – even though I smelt awful. She said that it had been that leak, the same as outside my door. But there was no mark on the ceiling. I was so chilled that by lunchtime of that day I had developed a fever and a dreadful cough.

February 6^th 1897     Went back to school today and worked steadily to catch up with what I had missed. As I approached the house I saw the old woman. She was standing at my bedroom window beckoning to me. She looked very worried and kept looking over her shoulder at something. I told Mummy that I had to get something from my bedroom and ran upstairs but the old woman had gone by the time I got there. I smelt a perfumey sort of smell in the room. I don’t know if I should tell Mummy. I don’t want her worrying.

February 7^th 1897               I woke early again this morning and the old lady was standing at the foot of my bed. I could smell the nice perfumey smell again and realised that it must be her scent. It took away any feeling of being scared and I sat up in bed and waited to see what she would say.

First she asked my age and then she asked if I was a woman yet. This puzzled me until I remembered what Mummy and I had been talking about a few weeks before. All about my body changing and the effects it would have on me. I felt pretty sure that it hadn’t happened yet and told the old lady. She smiled at me in a very sad way and then what she said next really scared me. She said that I must get Mummy and Daddy to leave this house and take me far away from it. If they refused, I must run away and I must do it before the end of the month. I begged her to tell me why and she put her finger to her lips and whispered the word ‘Soricks’. I said that I didn’t understand and asked what it was, but the old lady began to fade and as she faded she kept telling me to get away as soon as possible.

I must have cried out for Mummy and Daddy came into my room looking very scared. They asked why I had shouted and I burst into tears as I told them of the old lady’s warnings and they both looked grave. Daddy said to Mummy that he thought that I really hadn’t got over the fever that I had had. He thought that I had been day dreaming the awful event due to my illness. He rushed out of my bedroom to send a message to the doctor to make a house call as soon as he could.

I whispered to Mummy that I hadn’t been dreaming and that I felt that the old woman was real and so was her warning.

February 10^th 1897       After the doctor had been Daddy insisted that I stay in my bed and rest. The most I was allowed to do was to read a book of fairy stories!

Daddy came in from the garden where he had been digging a piece of earth for a vegetable patch. He had found a bit of pottery with a pretty design on it, he wondered if I would like it. He said that it was quite old.

I cleaned all the mud off it and saw that there was some writing in between a design made up of leaves. It said “Cave Sauricus”. I got a bit of a fright as I realised that ‘ Sauricus’ sounded like the ‘Sorick’ the old lady warned me about.

February 11^th 1897    Returned to school and my spirits rose when I met up with my school friends. They had been worried about me.

I had written the strange wording on a piece of paper and after one of the lessons I asked my teacher, a dear lady called Miss Prudence, what it could possibly mean. She admitted that her Latin was a little rusty but what she thought it said was ‘Beware the Sorick’. She asked me where I had got this from and I said off a piece of pottery that had been found in the garden.

February 12^th 1897    We had a visit from the local vicar the Reverend Goodbody today. He came for tea and cakes and almost ate them all!

During the conversation I asked politely if Mr Goodbody knew any of the history of the ruined abbey. He admitted that upon arriving five years before he had delved into all the local history of the area. Not a lot of information remained regarding the abbey and its monks, but what he did know was that the abbey had been burnt down by the local people after there had been tales of unholy practices being preformed there.

Mummy cleared her throat which was a sign to the vicar that he shouldn’t proceed with his narrative, as ‘little people’ were present.

Before the adults moved on to pleasanter topics, I asked if he knew what a sorick was. This was met with a sudden silence in which Rev. Goodbody’s face turned a shade of red. Before he could bring himself together he blurted out that a sorick was a mythical amoeboid (think I’ve spelt it correctly) entity.

Both Mummy and Daddy jumped up and began trying to change the subject. I would have laughed at their antics but I thought that it would be rude.

After the vicar left, Daddy scolded me for causing Rev. Goodbody to be embarrassed. I said that I was sorry.

February 13^th 1897    The word is not sorick but saurick. I found all about it in an old book in the library. Daddy had had gone into town and Mummy was in the garden when I decided to see what books were in the house library.

The History of Melford Abbey was written in an ancient looking book which was falling apart. It had an engraving of the abbey as it was when it was being lived in and it showed people with wagons moving in and out of the building. The Saurick was listed in the index and upon turning to the pages I learnt that a ‘star’ had fallen to Earth two years before the Abbey was burnt down. It was considered to be one of the ‘Virgin’s Tears’ as the day it fell was the Festival of the Virgin Mary. Just after the ‘Tear’ had been found and carried into the abbey it was renamed as the Saurick and the reports of misconduct and evil began, ending with the burning down of the abbey and the banishing of the monks.

As I lay in my bed that night I wondered what it could have been. A meteor? A comet? Whatever it had been, it changed a place of worship into something else quite evil.

February 14^th 1897     Woke this morning and thought that I had cut myself. The bed was covered with blood. Mummy came in and gave me a big hug. She whispered that I was now a young woman and that she and I should have a long talk about the changes that I could expect.

I didn’t feel at all well and after a troublesome day at school went to bed early. I intend finishing this entry in my diary and then get to sleep.

February 16^th 1897        The old woman appeared by my bed this morning. She looked terrified and began pleading with me to go away. You are a woman now she said. It will be coming for you.

I asked what she meant by ‘it’ and she whispered ‘saurick’.

Just at that moment Mummy came into the room and the old lady faded away to nothing. But just before she vanished she whispered ‘sacrifice’.

I once again asked Mummy if we could leave the house as I was scared. She laughed and said houses like ‘the Cypresses’ were scary but that Daddy had paid a lot of money for it and that they couldn’t afford to move.

Later in the day Mummy fixed a wooden crucifix above my bed. She said that it would keep all the ‘monsters’ at bay.

I hope so.

February 17^th 1897    I woke during the night and heard something outside my door. First of all I thought I heard water running and then it quietened to a steady drip. I lit a candle that I kept by the bedside and as the light shone on the door to my bedroom I noticed three streams of liquid coming across the floor from under the door. They moved like jelly and I knew that the saurick had found me. I jumped out of bed and hid behind my cupboard as the streams continued to move until the saurick had totally entered my room. It was like a large blob of jelly that quivered and shook as it held itself erect. Deep within its body I saw the evil looking eyes that had observed me from the pond by the graveyard. The Saurick had come to claim me. I was now an eligible sacrifice.

I reached up and plucked the crucifix from the wall and hurtled it at the mass. It struck and the creature shrunk back then it began to ooze out of the room till nothing remained of it apart from a large damp and stinking patch on the floor of my room. 

I am sitting in my bedroom trying to get all this information down. It will return, of that I am sure and I do not have any weapons to defeat it.

The creature is from outer space, it has the power to turn good to evil. It expects to be worshipped and have sacrifices made to it.

I am going to run away and hopefully escape from its clutches.

Pray for me please.       

This diary is given as evidence in the Procurator Fiscal’s Court of Inquiry into the disappearance of Major and Mrs J. Lachesser’s daughter Lucey

March 12^th 1897

The Response

Dedicated to Dr. Strange

The Qa’arn had been arriving all Earth week and the human’s response had been total. Pre nuclear weapons were being deployed and at the beginning, significant destruction was wrought on the invaders. But, they adapted, arriving from deep space with the equivalent of Kevlar jackets encasing their vessels. More and more landed and their troops spread out, dug in and began inflicting heavy casualties on the indigenous population. Refugees ran from the conflict thinking themselves safe behind the faltering Army and Air Force. The Qa’arn just kept coming and each human knew in his or her heart that this could be the ‘End of Days’ for Earth for the invader was merciless and was taking no prisoners.

“We must use the nukes!” screamed Brigadier General Soames. “These bastards are too well protected for conventional weaponry!”

“But…sir,” whined Lieutenant Favers, Soames’ subaltern. “If we engage the enemy with the nuclear arsenal and they adapt to it, what have we left?”

“Sir,” a trooper stood behind the Brigadier General, awaiting recognition. “There is a very old man to see you.”

“What…?” spluttered Soames. “I haven’t time for visits. What does he want?”

The trooper looked uncomfortable, “well sir, he says that he can help us.”

Soames thought that he was going to have a heart attack, “he says…what?”

“I am sorry sir, but he said that it was important and I thought that if I turned him away…well, you might be annoyed.”

Soames took a deep breath and turned away from the trooper towards Favers, “start emptying the nuclear arsenals and issuing the weapons to the soldiers and airmen. We have no choice. Now…,” he said turning back to the trooper. “Show this tactical genius in!”

The man was the colour of mahogany. He was wrapped in an animal skin and round his neck he wore beads interspersed with small animal skulls. In his hand he held a long staff which sported a snake’s head at the top. The man looked incredibly old.

“I have come a long way, sir” whispered the man.

“Uh, you don’t say,” grunted Soames sarcastically. “Unfortunately I seemed a trifle occupied at the present with attempting to save the planet. Forgive me if I appear a bit pre occupied.”

“I have brought with me a way to rout your enemies,” the man continued. “Let me show you…”

At that moment, Soames saw in his view monitor a Qa’arn robot rise from behind where the enemy were amassing. It stood twenty feet tall and was soon joined by three other juggernauts.

“Do you see this?” he screamed at Favers. “We must nuke them right away. The Qa’arn are building these behemoths and we have nothing to match them!”

As he watched one of the robots picked up an Earth tank and literally tore it in half. Soames could see the occupants fall from the stricken vehicle and were engulfed by the waiting Qa’arn soldiers.

“Sir…” the native man whispered, a little louder this time. “Please…I can help…”

“Get that idiot out of here!” shouted Soames picking up a telephone and punching in some numbers. “And if he isn’t gone by the time I finish this call Favers, you will be facing a court martial!”

Through the following days Earth watched on in terror as the Qa’arn army marched over the surface of the planet killing, destroying and subjugating. The nukes had been neutralised as soon as they struck the invaders and the deadly radioactivity was contained. The enemy wanted to take over a relatively healthy planet, not a nuclear wasteland similar to their home world which had been destroyed by internecine battles and petty feudal bickering. The Qa’arn’s technology had been engineered to stop this ever happening again.

The mass destruction went on until on one of Earth’s largest continents was to be the scene for the final battle to decide one way or the other.

 The Qa’arns had no home planet to return to, as, in putting together this mighty fighting force they had utilised all their resources and had effectively burnt their bridges.

The inhabitants of Earth intended to go down fighting the intruder.

D’asqui Mountain was a fortress of huge proportions. Theoretically anyone inside could withstand a nuclear attack and survive. Earth’s forces had spread out in front of the stronghold to form a delaying tactic for the approaching enemy.This would give the refugees time to move into some sort of protection behind D’asqui. The extra time would also buy time for the filling of the walls of D’asqui with more armament. Soldier’s wives stood with their partners holding weapons or by reloading the guns.

All was silent as the Earthmen awaited their foe.

 A small songbird flew into the no mans land to deliver a song. Never had a bird’s voice sounded so sweet. It flexed its wings and filled its chest and sang.

Suddenly a large explosion flared up on the plain and the small bird flew off in terror. The Qa’arn approached and from what was visible from a satellite link before it was destroyed, the entire Qa’arn army was there. It had come to wipe Earth’s inhabitants of the face of the planet. No mercy! No quarter!

All day the battle raged. The massive robots smashed at the walls of D’asqui and large chunks of rock cascaded down the mountain. Poisonous mushroom clouds rose in the blue sky as winged Qa’arn were destroyed. Most of the Qa’arn heavy machinery carried filters to negate the fallout, but could do nothing about the destruction caused by the strike on them.

At one point in the fighting, it seemed as if the tide was turning and that the invader was being beaten, but a cloud of missiles destroyed most of the fortress’ rocket launchers and suddenly the end was near for the Earthmen.

Soames stood in the hundred metre deep ops centre within D’asqui. He was sweating heavily and looked absolutely exhausted. He took out his pistol and checked the magazine. It had three bullets in it. He would offer Favers one of them, if he wanted. Rather death than what maybe offered under subjugation by the Qa’arn.

“Sir…the old man is back,” the trooper who had introduced him first, said. “He wants to help, sir”

Soames gave a big sigh and collapsed into a chair. “Ok, let him in. I don’t imagine anything will help…now.”

He was as Soames had seen him the first time. A tribesman who was as ancient as Adam. He stood like a pillar of wood, tanned by the sun and smoothed by the wind. A man hardened by the desert.

“Well…?” said Soames wearily. “What have you to offer?”

The man held out some stones to Soames. They were covered with what looked like writing. An ancient script carved right into the rocks.

“Gift…to you…A…boon…needed by you,” the old man muttered.

“Yes, very nice, thank you,” Soames said taking the offered stones. “But what can you do for us?”

The man turned and with several waves back to the Brigadier General and the trooper, he left the ops room.

Favers entered the room. “Was that the old man we saw back…?” he started.

“Yes,” said Soames. “Our last hope…..”

Soames wearily pulled his pistol out again. “I have three bullets gentlemen, you are welcome to the two remaining after I have taken my leave of you.” He put the weapon to his forehead and looked at his colleagues. “God be with you.”

“Wait sir!” shouted the trooper. “The old man….”

He had walked out onto the empty space that was no mans land, looking tiny against the Qa’arn amassed army. He looked like a small wild flower standing up to a gathering of bulldozers – very vulnerable.

One of the Qa’arn robots lumbered forward and reaching down opened a massive claw to crush the old man. Soames and the other two men watched on in horror.

He must be mad, they thought, a feather against a tornado.

The old man stepped back and brought his staff down sharply against the metal pincer. Soames imagined a resounding clang that echoed and re-echoed over the field of battle.

The robot paused momentarily then it began to disintegrate from it metal hooves to its helmet. Soon the old man was surrounded by a fine metal dust which twisted and twirled in the prevailing wind.

“What the ….?” said Soames, lowering the gun from his head.

The Qa’arn multitude suddenly began moving, hoping that the destruction of the robot had been merely a glitch. Now the old man would have to meet the combined force!

Turning swiftly he drew a circle in the dust at his feet and then the ancient began to gesticulate at the approaching enemy, shaking his staff and swinging about his head.

Soames imagined he could hear the old man’s words in his head. He understood what he was attempting to do without knowing what the words meant. It was something innate. Something handed down genetically from generation to generation. Basic, but beautiful.

Before the invading army had reached the elderly shaman the sand outside the inscribed circle had begun to spiral up into the air. As one cloud reached up so another started to form until fourteen massive clouds occulted the Qa’arn army.

As they rose so to did they begin to harden into a form of crystal. Their forms were that of dragons and they towered over the robots. Then they began to move…..

Soames spoke of that day at rallies, at dinners and on the television. Our Earth and what we understood as civilisation saved by an old man who had carried a secret handed down to him by his father and in turn passed to him by his father.

The stones that had been gifted to Soames were given over to have the words translated. The scientists who analysed the material said that it was aeons old and the writing? Well you might say that the stones were his calling card for the carved words read: Awakener of the Guardians of the Earth.

……………………………………..+………………………………………………….

Super Duper Christmas Phantasmagoria

Mr Walter Pilbert stood nervously on the deep pile Axminster carpet in front of the large oak desk behind which sat the three owners of Denbin’s Superstore.

“Christmas in eight weeks, Pilbert,” said Mr J. Denbin, senior.

“We need to make a big splash this year, Pilbert,” said Mr J. Denbin, middle.

“Need to show Blatsky’s Giant Emporium, whose boss in this town,” said Mr J. Denbin, junior.

Now it may have been confusing for any person who had not met the owners, due to their identical names but differing suffixes. In fact their appearance and pitch of voice differentiated them easily.

Mr J. senior had a high squeaky voice and was as bald as a coot.

Mr J. middle had a monotonous groan for a voice and sported a ‘comb over’.

Mr J. junior had a deep booming voice and hair that reached his shoulders.

Mr Pilbert had the dubious honour of being Denbin’s head manager and was in charge of all that went on in the superstore. He had been called to the top floor of the building where the owners had their palatial office.The plans for Christmas were being discussed in detail, the aim was to ‘wow’ the citizens of  Pelborough city with extravagant displays of Yuletide cheer and outdo any show put on by their rivals Blatsky’s.

“It has to be a fantastic display of presents and fairies,” squeaked Mr. J. senior.

“At least a ten foot high Christmas tree,” Mr J. middle droned.

“Have you done anything about hiring a Santa for the Winter Grotto?” Mr J. junior roared.

Mr Pilbert nodded his head.

“Yes sirs, I put the advert into the Pelborough Proclaimer last week and to date I have had twenty replies. I will commence interviews tomorrow and all things being equal we will have chosen a Santa for the store by next week.”

“What about his robes, man?” Mr J. middle, moaned.

“As soon as we make our choice of the applicant I will personally escort him down to our haberdashery department to be measured and fitted for his costume,” Mr Pilbert replied quickly.

“The shop decorations? You have ordered them and they are on their way, I trust?” Mr J. senior squeaked.

“They are winging their way to us as we speak, sirs,” the head manager confirmed cheerily.

“Then everything is in hand, Mr Pilbert, for a super duper Christmas phantasmagoria!” roared Mr J. junior.

“Ah phantasma… what?” spluttered Mr Pilbert.

“Outstanding  images of Christmas to please and excite the public and draw them into our store in droves,” laughed Mr J. junior in a booming voice.

The next day dawned and as the superstore doors opened customers and potential Santas began arriving. The liveried doorman directed the ‘wanna be’ Mr Claus’ up to the personnel department and the shoppers to which ever floor they desired. The air was filled with an excited frenzy.

But as the prospective Santa Clauses began to arrive for their interview all did not seem well.   Many were ‘no-shows’.  Those who did show up seemed to be much less than the usual Kris Kringle calibre.

The first had an aura of craziness about him and seemed to reek of cheap booze, another brought the overpowering odour of stale cigarette smoke.  The store could not have little kids sitting on the knee of a Santa who smelled like an ashtray or a soggy beer mat. The last but one interrupted his interview abruptly when his cell phone rang; he began shouting into it loudly in a language that seemed a cross between Polish and Russian.  After his call he resumed the interview as if nothing had happened!  Naturally he did not find himself employed by Denbin’s.   

Finally a little old man with a white beard appeared, nervously looking at his watch and fidgeting as he awaited his turn in the hot seat.   He was a very well dressed old gent, well kitted out in a tweed waistcoat and with an old fashioned gold watch on a chain.

He was fairly elusive about his past life and job history other than claiming to be to be intimately acquainted with the role of a store Santa. His name was the exotic sounding ‘Dr Nicholas Myra’.  He looked more like an English country gent than the usual part-time Santas.

Before even considering hiring him the store gave Nicholas a trial run.  Interestingly enough Dr Nicholas had his own Santa suit, it also seemed of a much higher quality than the flimsy red vestment that the store gave its seasonal employees.  The suit was spotlessly clean and fit snugly; the material was not the usual coarse cloth but silken velvet. 

Once he had the red suit on and in the presence of the children the old guy seemed transformed, no longer nervous but oozing confidence.  Soon a queue of excited kids and their doting parents formed at the grotto and Santa was hired.  If there was one criticism of the new Santa it was that he spent too long with each child, but the beaming smile each child had after they had spoken with Santa said it all! Each child’s parents would be spending a copious amount of money in the store to keep their little angel satisfied. 

Even Santa’s little helper seemed to quickly establish a rapport with the softly spoken old gentleman.   Santa’s sidekick was a short Romanian guy with a temperamental reputation, but he seemed to warm to his new colleague instantly. 

The Denbins looked forward to a busy and profitable holiday season with their gentile old Santa in his grotto.

And so it went on, day after day as the countdown shortened, the public came, spent, revelled and left, overflowing with festive cheer.

It all seemed a little too perfect………

The Denbin’s were overjoyed at takings and even Walter Pilbert had a spring in his step! Sales were at an all time high, the store had never tasted such success……

Then the bombshell……..!!!

“No Santa today!?” gasped Pilbert….”What, why,…. has he called?...Anything at all?”

“Nothing, no show, no sign” whimpered Hawkins. Hawkins was the Seasonal manager and in charge of the Grotto, Christmas tree sales, etc.

“He’s an hour late now but his helper is here, the Romanian guy, Cezar” offered Hawkins.

Walter Pilbert had a dilemma. Was he to hang off and wait to see if Dr Nicholas arrived late or at all or let his short sidekick fill his boss’s boots?

Trouble is, the store was now open and the first handful of kids and parents had started to gather at the Grotto. Time was short and Walter Pilbert was panicking….”can I trust the dwarf?” Pilbert had already had a run in with Cezar, it seems his temper was as short as his height. And he felt there was more to him than was on show. He came with no references, work experience nor history.

Then….the store clock BONGED and sprang into action. It was a huge feat of engineering, a contraption only the Victorians could have devised. It had been around for years, was beautifully carved and gilded and had an almost magical movement. It came to life quarterly and mesmerised it’s audience time and time again.

It grabbed the attention of Pilbert momentarily and bought him some time as the gathering crowds stopped in their tracks and watched in awe.

“Delivery!” “Delivery for a….Mr Pilbert, anyone know him?” boomed the rough looking courier. “That’s me, I’m Pilbert, over here” beckoned Walter. “Sign here, thank you…..”

Left holding a brown parcelled bundle, “what could this be?” he thought…….

The parcel contained a Santa hat and a Santa jacket. Mr Pilbert immediately recognized the silky quality of the items. Dr Nicholas! Oh no, he thought with a sinking feeling…This can’t be good!

There was a badly written note:

‘We’ve got your Santa’ was scribbled across the top of the sheet. In smaller writing it said:

‘We want £1000 or Santa will not be seen again this Christmas’ – We will contact you- and PS. don’t call the police.’

A ransom note! Mr Pilbert was stupefied. In all his years at the store he had never had to deal with anything criminal. It’s crazy, he thought, they don’t pay me enough for this kind of stress. He hesitated for a moment. He didn’t like to be the bearer of bad news. The Denbin’s tended to shoot the messenger – but it couldn’t be helped, they needed to know; they would have to decide what to do.

The Denbin’s were, as Mr Pilbert had feared, furious; he had to endure the brunt of their wrath. After a prolonged rant Mr J. Denbin, senior was suddenly struck by a thought: ‘Blatsky’s!-it has to be…those buggers at Blatsky’s!’

Yes, that must be it! The other Denbin’s fully concurred but there was no agreement on what to do. In fact the Denbin’s had a heated argument. Mr J. Denbin, senior was adamant that Blatsky’s would not get away with it; they had to call the police. But Mr J. Denbin, middle, was not convinced. It would be better, He thought, if they dealt with the Blatsky’s in their own way; the Blatsky’s needed to be taught a lesson. Mr J. Denbin, junior had his own bright idea: they could kidnap the Santa from Blatsky’s and demand an exchange! Mr J. Denbin, senior and Mr J. Denbin, middle, exchanged glances and finally agreed on something; Mr J. Denbin, junior was an utter dunderhead! Of all the stupid ideas!

In frustration Mr J. Denbin, senior, turned to Mr Pilbert, eyed him appraisingly and said:

‘Well, Pilbert, what do you think?’

Mr Pilbert hated this; it was a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation - to be avoided at all costs.

‘Well…’ he said, thinking here goes nothing. Just then the phone rang. All the Denbin’s visibly flinched. Yet Mr Pilbert felt oddly relieved. ‘Saved by the bell’ he thought, and had to suppress an insane urge to giggle. Seeing the antics of the Denbin’s didn’t help. Mr J. Denbin, senior was signalling frantically for Mr J. Denbin, middle, to pick up the phone – while Mr J. Denbin, middle, shook his head and indicated that Mr J. Denbin, senior should ‘get it’. Mr J. Denbin, junior, stared at the phone in horror and backed away from it.

The moment stretched with incessant ringing. Then Mr Pilbert suddenly realised that all eyes were now on him. ‘Go on then, answer it’ said Mr J. Denbin, senior. The others were nodding.

There was no avoiding it; for a second time Mr Pilbert thought ‘here goes nothing’. He picked up the phone.

‘Hello?’ he said. There was a pause. The Denbin’s moved closer, intent - with quizzical expressions on their faces.

‘Oh, I see…yes that’s right…ok’ Mr Pilbert put down the phone.

‘Well!?’ chorused the Denbin’s.

‘It was Mr Blatsky – someone has kidnapped the Santa from his store!’

Deep below the town of Pelborough lay deep caves which had been forgotten about by everyone except some of the criminal brotherhood.

Len and Harry liked to think they were part of the ‘Evil Network’ but in fact they were a joke, always mucking up simple criminal acts and often or not just getting away ‘by the skin of their teeth’. But this was to be the job that redeemed them with their wicked brethren. A crime of the century. Something that would make them infamous for years to come. Kidnapping not just one Santa, but two!

“Uhh Harry… Santa has woken up,” said Len.

“Which one, Len?” asked Harry looking up from the newspaper he had been reading.

“The one with the fat tummy,” giggled Len.

“They both have fat…tummies!” growled Harry.

“The eh..one with the bump on his head,” said Len haltingly.

“They both have a bump on their heads, cos we put them there!”  Harry grunted jumping to his feet. “Come on show me which one.”

Dr. Nicholas Myra lay alongside another Santa Claus; both were trussed tightly up and lay on the floor of the cave.

All around lay tins of food, cans of lemonade, half eaten cakes and sandwiches. Piles of paper wrappers, empty cans and gnawed chicken bones stood at the edge of the area beginning to smell.

“I would suggest that you free myself and my colleague right away!” shouted the other Santa, a man called Delon Cramer, hired by Blatsky for their Santa’s grotto. “We are important people at this time of year!”

“Duhhh…why do you think that we kidnapped you?” laughed Harry evilly. “You are the guests of the Malevolent Masterminds!”

“Uhh … Harry, I thought it was us that kidnapped them,” Len said scratching his head.

“It was, dummy!” shouted Harry.

“Well…who’s the Malevolent Masterminds?” whined Len.

“We are… oh, just shut it Len, you know thinking isn’t your strong point!” Harry hissed at his compatriot.

“You are making a very big mistake, “said Dr Nicholas, speaking for the first time since his abduction. “You both are causing a lot of unnecessary unhappiness to a lot of children by your action.”

“Well…” said Harry laughing. “All your bosses have to do is come up with the money and you’re free. It’s that simple!

                                                        *

“What are we to do?” whined Mr Denbin senior.

“We’ll have to pay up!” boomed Mr Denbin junior.

“But where will we find the money?” Mr Denbin middle, moaned monotonously.

A very well dressed man stood up from the table that the Denbins and he had been sitting round. Mr Blatsky dressed immaculately and exuded an air of calm.

It had had been decided that both stores should join forces to combat the common foe. Four heads were better than three.

“I think we should hand the situation over to the police,” said Mr Blatsky imperiously. “That is what we pay them for.”

“No, no police!” boomed Mr Denbin junior. “The kidnappers specifically said no police or else…”

“Well, I think you are being very shortsighted,” grunted Mr Blatsky. “These people just go on to do it to someone else after they are finished with us.”

A knock sounded at the door to the board room. Mr Denbin middle said “Come in!” loudly. Mr  Pilbert entered followed closely by a very angry looking elf – Cezar!

“Mmmm… Mr Denbins, Cezar would like to speak to you all,” Mr Pilbert said warily.

“Well?” moaned Mr Denbin middle. “Speak up there, man!”

Cezar took a deep breath and began talking.

“Why should I have to take the place of Santa? It is unheard of and I am sure illegal. Misrepresentation at least!”

Mr Blatsky laughed. “You let your employees tell you what they wish to do or not do?”

“No of course not!” moaned Mr Denbin senior. “You will do as you are told Cezar!”

Cezar spun round and stamped out of the boardroom, slamming the door behind him.

“I’m sorry,” said Mr Pilbert unctuously. “He’s from Romania.”

When Mr Pilbert had left the board room the four store owners returned to their discussion.

“I think that we should pay the ransoms and get the two Santas returned,” said Mr Blatsky. “If you Denbins haven’t got a brass farthing I will pay both and we can get back to normal. Back to making money!”

The three Denbins protested loudly but were inwardly glad that they didn’t have to find the money.

                                                           *

Meanwhile, Cezar had taken the staff lift up to the roof where he extracted a strange looking mobile phone out of his pocket and dialled a number. Little did the Denbins or Mr Pilbert know, but Cezar was a shop steward for the G.N.U.S (Global and National Union of Santas) Leader: Santa Prime! He was reporting the latest transgression by the store’s owners to the party headquarters – at the North Pole!

“Yes, Santa Prime!” screamed the Romanian dwarf. “They want me to put their Santa’s robes on and carry out the special Santa duties!”

A voice mumbled something from the other end of the line and Cezar answered angrily.

“Yes, both your brother Dr. Nicholas and another acting Santa have been kidnapped ….! No I don’t know where they are being held….! Hello! Hello!”

The line was dead but Cezar knew instinctively that his news had started up an effect that was so far reaching that it would not stop until all was well with the two imprisoned Santas.

                                                                 *

At the North Pole headquarters the news was met with anger and dismay. How could anyone, in their right mind, kidnap not only one Santa, but two!

The high and mighty leader, Santa Prime sat watching his employees getting worked up but achieving nothing. It was time for action!

“Right elves, activate the spreaders!” shouted Santa Prime getting up from his armchair. “Gnomes, load the Seeking Powder and Soporific Spray and begin sprinkling.”

“But what of the humans?” interjected a very angry looking goblin.” We haven’t enough powder or spray to cover the Earth!”

“Well, where did this abomination take place? shouted Santa Prime.

“In a town called Pelborough!” shouted an elf on his way to the spreaders.

“Then select only Pelborough !” commanded Santa Prime.

A large flight of sledges carrying the necessary equipment took off from the North Pole and headed for Pelborough, Great Britain.

                                                         *

“Ee-er Harry,” grunted Len. “That Santa won’t eat his food.”

“Which one Len?” asked Harry patiently.

“The one with the……” began Len. “I can’t tell them apart, Harry.”

“Well, one has a white shirt on and the other has a blue one,” Harry recited.

“The one with the blue shirt on…I think,” Len said with a sigh.

Harry leant over Dr. Nicholas and said with a snarl, “If you don’t eat we will have to force feed you!”

Dr Nicholas looked into the kidnapper’s eyes and said,”If you don’t let us go YOU are going to be in a lot of trouble. If I had my red suit I could show you a thing or two!”

                                                           *

“How do we get in contact with the kidnappers?” asked Blatsky. “Now that we have the cash, let’s get these two men free.”

“We have to wait for a phone call from them,” moaned Mr Denbin senior.

“But, that could take days!” boomed Mr Denbin junior.

“They could starve!” moaned Mr Denbin middle, monotonously.

                                                           *

High above Pelborough Santa Prime’s sledges hovered awaiting a signal from the great man himself.

The night sky was clear and the stars twinkled. Small shooting stars could be seen momentarily as they arced into obscurity.

“Right, let it all go!” shouted Santa Prime. “You have your target, now let’s find our men!”

People walking along the streets of Pelborough saw the Seeking Powder as a curtain of colours drifting down from the darkened sky. Oh, they thought, it must be Aurora Borealis and stopped to admire the developing paint box of colours in the sky.

As the Seeking Powder landed on the ground it swirled this way and that, hunting out any clues to the whereabouts of the two kidnapped men.

The Soporific Spray followed the powder and as it spread through the air the pedestrians began to stagger and then lie quietly down on the ground and sleep. Car drivers stopped their vehicles and fell asleep at the wheel, their passengers joining them in their slumber. Buses and their passengers were stationary and sound asleep. In fact the entire town of Pelborough, birds, animals and humans dreamt together in their united nap.

The Seeking Powder had soon crept into every nook and cranny in the town, but nothing had been found. Finally it approached the two stores of Denbins and Blatsky. It swept up the front steps and soon was everywhere within the store, coating shelves, doors and – the toys.

Then as suddenly as it had arrived everything went still in the two stores then – BINGO! All the toys came to life!

The dolls ran, the teddy bears scurried and the motor cars rushed across the floors of the toy stores searching, searching for the two imprisoned Santas. From high up the toys looked like ants moving this way and that, in a totally disorganised way.

“Toys!” came a strident voice over the tannoy system. “Toys, organise yourselves into search parties!”

Instantly the rushing around and general melee ceased and the dolls, teddy bears, racing cars, Tonka toys and all the other mechanical plastic and soft varieties of toys started to form neat, military style groups. It looked like the entire merchandise was standing awaiting inspection.

A door opened and Mr Pilbert stepped out. The authoritative voice had been his!

“Right! Lets find out where these kidnappers are and get everything back to normal!”

Mr Pilbert directed the various contingents off in different directions. He was carrying Dr. Nicholas’ red Santa suit under his arm. “Hurry up!” he called. “Santa Prime wants this mess sorted out pronto!”

A squad of plastic army soldiers marched up to where the Denbin’s head manager stood. “Sir!” he said saluting. “My men have detected caves below this here town and wondered if we could get one of the Tonka Toys to investigate them?”

“Excellent work!” enthused Mr. Pilbert. “Take what you need.”

The squad moved over to a fearsome Tonka Toy called the Grinder. It consisted of a large drill mounted on the back of a lorry. Quickly one of the soldiers jumped into the lorry’s driving seat and after acquainting himself with the controls drove slowly across to where another battalion of soldiers, parachutists, waited patiently.

                                                 *

“Malevolent marauders, malevolent marauders, I like the sound of that Harry,” said Len.

“Oh shut up Len, “growled Harry. “I wish I had never told you our new name.”

“When do we get the money Harry?” whined Len. “It’s cold and creepy down here. When can we get away?”

“In an hour, I’ll go top side and give them a call. Arrange a pick up and we can be on our way,” confirmed Harry.

“Will we swap them the two old guys for the money Harry?” hissed Len.

“Yeah,” said Harry giving Len an evil wink. “That’s what we’ll do.”

Dr Nicholas and Delon had been talking quietly to one another.

“I hope we get out of this place soon,” said Dr Nicholas. “Otherwise we’ll miss Christmas.”

Delon laughed, “yeah and we wont have any pay to pick up!”

“You two!” shouted Harry. “Shut up unless you want us to gag you! If your bosses cough up the cash it’ll all be over……” He didn’t finish the sentence because he was interrupted by Len shouting and pointing at the roof of the cave.

“Look Harry! It looks like a big worm!”

With a crash and a fall of ground rock, the Grinder dropped to the cave floor. Len ran over to it and laughing, picked it up.

“It’s just a toy, Harry! Ahhhhhhh!”  he suddenly screamed as tiny parachutes engulfed his head.

As Harry watched it seemed as if Len’s upper body was a mass of writhing shapes.

“Ow! Harry they’re sticking pins into me!” screamed Len, hopping about trying to rid himself of the plastic parachutists who had jumped down through the whole made by the Grinder and were utilising their bayonets.

Harry looked up to see many more parachutists dropping into the cave till the cave floor was covered by them.

The soldiers quickly formed squads and attacked Harry’s feet. He screamed hopped around and tripping fell on his back. Instantly he was covered by the ubiquitous Army men.

When Mr Pilbert stepped off the metal step that had been lowered down a much enlarged hole in the cave roof, the two kidnappers were well and truly trussed up and lay on the ground.

Dr Nicholas and Delon had been released by the soldiers and apart from a bump on each of their heads, were none the worse for their abduction.

It was late at night when all the parties involved in the ‘Crime of the Century’ were safely back in their respective stores.

Len and Harry had been delivered to the Police ranting and raving about being attacked by, of all things, plastic soldiers! Mr Pilbert had smiled at the arresting policeman and had indicated by a twirling motion of his finger at his temple that Len and Harry were obviously prime candidates for the ‘Funny Farm’.

Mr Pilbert, stood in front of the massed groups of toys. Their shiny eyes looked up at the manager with fondness and loyalty.

“Thank you everyone. You have shown devotion and diligence with this threat to Christmas happiness and cheer. I applaud each and every one of you. Now return to your boxes and shelves and let us get on with preparing for Christmas!”

Within half an hour the two toy stores looked as if a thousand cleaners had been busy all night. They gleamed, they sparkled and a warm friendly glow emanated from all the toys waiting to welcome the customers on the following day.

The Tonka cement lorry had been busy with the help of thirty Bob the Builder toys (We can fix it!!) and had totally sealed up the hole down to the cave, below Denbins.

Dr Nicholas had his red suit back and everything was ready for the morning.

                                                             *

Gradually the effect of the Soporific Spray wore off the inhabitants of Pelborough and no one could explain what had happened.

Visitors to Pelborough had not been able to get into the town due to all the lorries, buses and cars with sleeping occupants in them so had missed the effect of the spray.

Both stores opened promptly at nine o’clock and it seemed as if all Pelborough had decided to favour Denbins and Blatskys.

As the Seeking Powder began to dissipate into the air colourful hazes formed in the stores and with the lavish displays of decorations, baubles and glittery tinsel the whole effect was magical.

The Denbins and Mr Blatsky looking down into their respective stores were amazed at the sight.

Mr Denbin junior boomed out at the top of his voice,

“It’s a super duper Christmas phantasmagoria!”