Ambivalent.

                                                     AMBIVALENT

“Bread

Milk

  Butter

  Apples

    Oranges

    Coffee”

It rang in my head when I woke up at exactly 08.05. I lay still and counted the number of shadows on my wall. Seven. Odd number. Not so good. I searched round and almost missed one almost tea stain like shadow hiding just behind the wardrobe. Eight. Even. That’s better.

Washed and dressed. It was a red day so this decided the tie. Red with a fleck of gold. Shoes were polished to a very high shine. No sloppiness Armitage! I berated myself.

Breakfast. Two eggs cooked for exactly ten minutes. One sausage. One rasher of bacon. Two bits of toast.

Had to remember to get bread, milk, butter, apples, oranges and coffee, I thought.

Washed my dishes and checked my supply of provisions. Bread, milk, butter, apples, oranges and coffee. No chance of running out. Several examples of these were stock piled in the kitchen, in the living room, and in my bedroom. Couldn’t afford to run out. No sir!

Put my coat on. Took my coat off checked for any pieces of lint adhering to the fabric. Put my coat on. Took my coat off. One last look for bits of lint. Put coat on. Three times. Odd number. Took it off again and then put it on. Four – even- good.

Opened front door and closed it. Opened the front door and checked up and down the street. Was he there? No one in sight. Closed front door. Locked the door, then unlocked it. Locked the door again. Twice, that is OK.

On the bus I gave the conductor the exact money. I keep envelopes made up with exact money for the bus. If I didn’t have the exact money I would have to return home and start off again later with the exact money. Got to be exact. Yes sir!

As the bus moved slowly through Westchester my mind began to relax. I hadn’t always been like this. It had all begun after I returned in the plane from a holiday by the Black Sea. The weather had been gorgeous. Does one say gorgeous – now a days?

I just lay on the beach and tanned. Plenty to do after dark, casino, bar and of course the clubs.

Someone is asking to see my ticket. A man in a uniform. I stand up to attention. Yes sir I say, of course sir. I hand him my ticket and he punches a hole in it. One- odd - not good. I ask for it to be done again. The man looks annoyed but does it and hurries off down the bus. Two – even - good.

I return to my final night when I had met two gentlemen smartly dressed in suits. We drank until the early hours and I must have passed out for I found myself in bed in my hotel the next morning.

Got to remember the bread, milk, butter, apples, oranges and coffee. Need some meat and potatoes, but definitely the bread, milk, butter, apples, oranges and coffee.

One of the men had given me a present of a record. I wrapped it well, two times, but it still got broken. Into four bits, bad, but even so, a bit of good.

I get off the bus and avoiding stepping on the cracks. I usually try to take a step back and three forward, but it is busy and I just repeat the alphabet six times.

I check around me for the small man in the black coat. He has fair hair and a small moustache. I keep seeing him but if I close my eyes and turn round four times when I open my eyes, he has disappeared. Yes sir!

I check the colour of the cars passing. Too many black cars is bad. Several light cars pass and I feel all is well with the world. Yes sir! I find an empty bit of pavement and taking one step back I am able to take three forward! Bliss!

The little man with the black coat is standing across the road in a doorway. I close my eyes and turn round three times and I am just about when I trip over something and fall to the ground.

As I get up, a man is shouting at me. He says I stood on his dog. He says I am an idiot and to watch where I am going in future. I check for the small man, he has vanished.

Jamieson’s Supermarket has everything I need. I must remember the bread, milk, butter, apples, oranges and coffee. I take four trolleys from the stack and leaving the first three, take the fourth. I push it through the foyer of the shop keeping a look out for the man in the dark coat. I’m sure he’s following me.

I collect apples – Red Delicious., bread – crusty loaf, milk – semi skimmed; healthy, oranges – satsumas and coffee – Red Mountain. After collecting a piece of roast beef, some smoked bacon and a bag of potatoes – Maris Pipers, I head for the till.

The little man is standing in front of the tills. He is coming towards me. I am scared. What can he want? I try to spin round with my eyes closed but when I open them – he is still there.

Mr Armitage, he is saying. How does he know my name? Mr Armitage you have to come with me, he says in a low solicitous voice. I recite the alphabet four times but it doesn’t help me.

The store’s musak comes on. It is one of my favourite records and I hum along with it. I’m sure a pretty girl sings the song. I am sure I saw it on my T.V.

Mr Armitage, the man repeats and all at once I see another black coated man coming towards me. He looks like a gorilla. He is very tall and is scowling at me. His hand is inside of his coat.

The music stops and a new record is played. I know it, it is the one that the men in suits gave me when I was on holiday. The one I broke into a lucky four pieces.

Suddenly it feels as if something inside my head had exploded. It is all bright light. I must remember to get the bread, milk, butter, apples, oranges and coffee, I shout out. The two men are very interested and I see the smaller of the two writing something in a notebook. My brain is burning and is becoming filled with numbers, letters and symbols. I am going to be sick. I start spuing not sickness, but all the rubbish in my head. I am sure the little man’s pencil will catch fire, it is moving so fast.

Then all at once I feel totally purged. My head is clear and my thinking is uncomplicated. I feel great!

The larger of the men pulls out a pistol and aiming at my head fires three time then a fourth time, bad but some good.

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