Any Old Iron?

Jimmy was the laziest person his wife Shirley had ever met. When they had been courting she had been envied by the other girls because of Jimmy’s good looks and this fact had made Shirley ignore his shortcomings. Shirley always thought that he just needed the discipline of a good woman, namely her.

When they had married Jimmy had arrived late for the ceremony, but somehow they had managed and Shirley had proudly walked from the altar as his wife.

That was then, but now, he was worse, only taking part in sports from the couch, normally with a can of beer clutched in his hand. Jobs that needed done round the house were left to Shirley, or never done. Even taking out the rubbish to the bin ended in a furious argument.
“It was your turn Jimmy,” said Shirley as she prepared to make the trip to the wheelie bin herself. “I did it the last four times.”

“Aww Shirl,” Jimmy would wheedle. “You don’t mind doing it do you?”

“Well actually I do, and while we’re on the subject, when are you going to replace that loose slate on the roof?”

“Soon, Shirl, soon,” was Jimmy’s usual retort.

The days passed and often Jimmy was still in bed at noon. Shirley cleaned the small house single handedly and often by evening she felt totally exhausted. Upon entering the sitting room she saw Jimmy sitting watching the TV in his pyjamas.

“My mother was right about you, Jimmy,” as she started yet another blazing row that was going to go nowhere. “Since we married you’ve become a slob.”

“What was that?” asked Jimmy unable to hear his wife due to the volume of the television. “Yeah, I would love a beer, can you bring it through?”

Shirley screamed loudly and going to the fridge pulled out a can of beer, shook it violently, went through to where Jimmy was sitting and jerked the ring pull off causing beer to jet out and soak her husband.

“What the hell?. Shirl?” he shouted jumping from his chair. “What is the matter with you gal?”

Shirley broke into tears and going into the bedroom, slammed the door shut.

That night as Jimmy smoked in the garden he thought over the day’s events. He knew that he had got a little lazy; he didn’t seem to have the same ‘get up and go’ that he had possessed and it was easier and much more pleasant to do …nothing.

High above him the Universe turned and the stars looking like small sparks gazed coldly down.

Something caught Jimmy’s eye and turning his head he witnessed a ‘falling star’ which completed its final conflagration in every colour of the rainbow. It glinted and sparkled and for a brief second it seemed to be the most beautiful thing Jimmy had ever seen. Then it was gone and darkness prevailed.

Stubbing out his cigarette and placing the but in the bin, Jimmy went off to bed.

Next morning Jimmy found himself wide awake at 6am! He couldn’t remember when he had ever woken so early and lay for a few minutes before he felt that he had to get up.

“You want I make you a cup of tea Shirl?” he said to his wife’s sleeping form.

“You what Jimmy….?” She came awake with a start. “I can’t remember the last time you offered.”

As Shirley sat up in bed sipping the cup of tea Jimmy had made, she looked at her husband in wonder.

“What’s happened to you?” she asked. “It’s only half past six. Usually you don’t get up till nearer midday.”

“Ah well, Shirl,” replied Jimmy gazing out of the window. “I think I’ve had an epiphany.”

“And what’s that when it’s about? Does it mean that you’ll stop being a lazy slob?”

But Jimmy was gone. He had raced down the stairs and later, when Shirley came down to make breakfast she found him pacing around their garden or the Jungle as Shirley called it due to the length of the grass and the height of weeds.

As Shirley toasted bread and made coffee she was conscious of a buzzing noise outside and when she went to call Jimmy in for his meal she found that he had strimmed and mown the garden down,forming a surface that was now flat and virtually weed free. The wheelie bin stood full of the decimated weeds and the excess had been put into black bags to await collection by the Corporation.

“Well done love,” said Shirley as Jimmy sat down at the table and began to butter his toast. “Never seen the backyard look so tidy. What are you going to do now? Paint the house? Shirley turned to where Jimmy sat and saw, with a start, that his eyes were slightly glazed as he stared through the window at the clouds and blue sky outside.

Later that day Shirley stopped for a lunch break. She worked as one of the four secretaries in a legal firm and with the wage from this and Jimmy’s unemployment benefit she managed to put food on the table and pay the bills. Today though, she had decided to take some of the money from the bank that they had scrimped and saved and book a small holiday for her and Jimmy. Nothing too expensive, just a week lying in the sun to recharge her batteries. Maybe after this morning’s surprise with Jimmy, he was intending to mend his ways.

So, imagine Shirley’s shock and horror when her friend, Mary, a teller in the bank informed her of Jimmy’s visit that morning.

“Yes love, he emptied your account. It being joint, I couldn’t stop him. I’m so sorry.”          

As she walked home that afternoon her thoughts were of Jimmy. What the hell was he playing at? Surely taking the money out of the account should have been decided between them? They had put the money aside in drips and drabs, as and when they could. It had resulted in quite a lot of meals of beans on toast but was to be worth it in the end, or so Shirley had hoped!

As she reached the end of her road Shirley could see a large group of her neighbours standing looking into their garden. She wondered if there had been an accident. Could Jimmy have set fire to the house? Her mind raced as she neared the back of the crowd and peered over their heads.

Well! The sight made her rock back on her heels in disbelief. Some of the neighbours turned and looked sympathetically at her, others looked angry and disappointed.

“This used to be a nice street,” said old Mrs. Bellows. “Now it’s become a dump!”

There, in Shirley and Jimmy’s garden, sat a large pile of scrap metal. There were girders, stanchions, grids, brackets, even an old anchor covered in rust. It looked as if a lorry had dumped its cargo of metal waste and then had gone off and left it.

Shirley slowly opened her garden gate and walked round the pile in disbelief.

“Shirley! Shirley love!” shouted Jimmy as he opened the front door and ran into the garden to stand at his wife’s side. “Do you see what I got? Mr Machen the Scrappy gave me a great deal on this material. It didn’t cost much.”

“Material? Material?” shouted Shirley, feeling tears forming in her eyes. “Did you spend all our savings on this rubbish? Have you lost your mind?”

Jimmy looked up at the pile of metal with eyes full of awe. “It is wonderful,” he said in a low voice, which made Shirley shiver.

Jimmy spent the next days and often nights, working with the metal. He welded, he ground, he soldered and he cut the scrap into pieces which he would fit together like a jigsaw. The height of the object he was constructing grew taller as the days passed and people would drive from miles around to see, what was becoming a local landmark.

Some of the youths from the neighbourhood took to throwing empty beer cans into Jimmy’s garden to antagonise him, but Jimmy would just patiently pick them up and weld them into the structure. He often waved happily as the cans flew through the air and shout ‘thank you’.

Shirley appealed to him, initially for the noise he was making. “It’s disturbing the neighbours,” she would plead, hoping that this would stop the madness, but he quietly agreed and reduced the hammering and grinding to an acceptable level, but he didn’t stop.

Then, his wife pointed out that what he was building was an eyesore and although he, Jimmy seemed hellbent on making it up, it did not appeal to everyone. Plus, it was probably illegal to build a metal tower without planning permission from the government.

This had the effect of putting Jimmy into a sort of catatonic trance and he stood, eyes glazed, for over half an hour before suddenly coming to and grunting, “I’ve got bigger fish to fry!” continuing to weld a metal stanchion to a girder.

Shirley got used to going to bed and often waking up in the morning, alone. If Jimmy came to bed in the evening, he was often up after only two hours and working in the darkness.

“How can you see what you are doing?” asked Shirley, as Jimmy bent the metal this way and that. She had brought a torch outside with her. “It’s pitch black out here.”

Jimmy just tapped his forehead. “It’s all up here. I could build it blindfold.”

Seven hundred million miles out in deep space a large flotilla of warships materialised. They had been utilising a cloak of invisibility which concealed them from being seen by telescope or radar whilst on route into the Solar System. And as they were now lying behind the gas giant Jupiter, the radiation emanating from the planet interfered with any detection of their existence from Earth.

The Qqaarks had travelled at sub light speed from their home planet Debron until they had reached the furthermost planet Pluto where they had slowed to stop, amassed their forces, took on the cloak of invisibility and proceeded to a position prior to their proposed attack on Planet Earth.

Debron was failing, it had been heavily mined for precious metals and ores and the thin soil on the face of the planet had been depleted by the almost hurricane force winds that scoured the surface. The Qqaarks lived in vast complexes below the ground where they tapped into the geothermal energy to provide both power and light, but the vast heat sources at the centre of the planet were slowly dying and before long an endless winter would fall on Debron and everything would die.

The Qqaarks had been listening and watching electronically for any activity within several light years of their system. Their radar and antennae sweeping vast areas of sky and their mighty computers analysing all the information that was collected.

Nothing was found for several years and as their colonies slowly began to die a certain amount of panic set in and areas of space that had been checked previously were scrutinised again but with more up to date and sophisticated equipment. That was when Earth came into view.

Initially it had been considered and discarded as a possibility, but now with the new technology, the Qqaarks realised that Earth was their best and only bet.

Plans were immediately made up for a total conquest of the planet and subjugation of the inhabitants. No quarter would be given to those who opposed them and the defeated would spend their future lives in servitude to the conquerors.

The Earthlings could either capitulate or die, it was their decision.

Jimmy lay in bed next to his sleeping wife. Something nagged away at the back of his mind. He was missing some item. Something to complete the metal behemoth that took up their entire garden and reached up into the sky like a tower. Its surface was covered with protuberances and jutting out rods and Jimmy had painted the whole structure with a silver metallic paint. It was beautiful, but terrible to behold.

“Hey Shirl,” whispered Jimmy. “Are you awake?”

“Aww Jimmy,” moaned Shirley looking at her bedside clock. “It’s only six o’clock. Go back to sleep, please.”

“Do you remember that bloody awful ornament your mother gave us for Christmas two years ago?”

“Yes, Jimmy, I remember that Art Nouveau piece that Mum kindly gave us. Why?”

“Where is it? I know you wouldn’t allow me to throw it out,” said Jimmy grumpily.

“Oh, it’s safe up in the attic, wrapped up in bubble wrap to protect it. What do you need to know for?”

But Jimmy was gone and with a sigh, Shirley put on the light. What was he up to? she thought as she heard the cupboard door downstairs being flung open and something being pulled out. It sounded like the folding ladder and sure enough she heard her husband scramble up the stairs with it, assembled the ladder and after climbing up it began trying to open the trapdoor into the attic.

“Remember there’s a bolt on it,” she shouted as a rending screech and crash sounded overhead.

Shirley groaned and getting out of bed put on her dressing gown. She could hear items being moved around up in the attic and when she emerged from the bedroom she saw Jimmy coming down the ladder with a large object wrapped in bubble wrap.

“Don’t you damage that, Jimmy, I’m warning you,” Shirley said, helping her husband down off the last rungs of the ladder. “It’s an heirloom.”

Jimmy stood on the landing floor holding the packaged ornament. He had the glazed look in his eyes again. “It’s no heirloom, Shirl. “It is our salvation.”

Out beyond Jupiter the Qqaark warships began to move. A signal for attack had been given from the flagship “Zaabarra” and the creatures were eager to attack. As they rounded the gas giant, Planet Earth came into view, looking like a blue and white orb floating in the darkness. A prize set for the taking.

“Come down you fool!” hissed Shirley looking up at Jimmy who was climbing up the side of the metal monstrosity. “You’ll fall and kill yourself!”

“I have to put this on the very top!” shouted Jimmy. “Then it is complete!”

“It’s only a stupid metal figure holding a torch. Get down here Jimmy and put stop to this madness, I can’t cope with this any more!” Shirley screamed, tears pouring down her face.

Jimmy had reached the top and carefully drilled four holes into the structure and screwed the figurine into place. It gave the entire assembly an apex, when before it had been flat. Honed off a featureless tower of melded scrap iron and gave it a look of finality.

Slipping and sliding down the exterior, Jimmy eventually stood on the ground by his wife. He placed an arm round her and pulled her to himself.

“Come on, Shirl. Congratulate me. It’s finished.”

“What’s finished Jimmy? We’ve got a heap of rubbish in our garden, we’re the laughing stock of the neighbourhood and we’re in the red at the bank! What ever got into you? If anything is finished, we are!” cried Shirley and turned to go back into the house.

It was at that moment that the laser ray struck. A house across from where Jimmy and Shirley lived exploded and caught fire. In the flickering light of the flames the attacking ships could be seen. The sky was full of them as their annihilation commenced. As Jimmy and Shirley ran inside the explosions could be heard coming from far and near.

“We must be under attack!” screamed Shirley flicking the remote control of the television. “Jimmy put the radio on!”

As the television screen came on pictures of alien vessels could be seen attacking in places all over the world. Jimmy and Shirley gasped as they watched the Statue of Liberty topple into the sea cut off at the base by a laser. The picture changed to show a pile of girders that had been the proud Eiffel Tower in France. Next London was shown, where the mighty Tower of London had been struck and destroyed. Big Ben lay in ruins and Buckingham Palace burnt fiercely.

An announcer suddenly appeared on the screen and began to speak,

“The Earth is under attack by an unknown, extraterrestrial force. The British forces are in tatters, men killed, equipment destroyed and we are being defeated. Stay inside or make for any sort of shelter to protect yourselves…….” The transmission ended and the television blacked out.

Jimmy tuned the radio but apart from crackles and interference nothing could be heard.

The sounds of explosions continued all around their house and Jimmy and Shirley cowered under the kitchen table awaiting the end.

Suddenly Jimmy crawled out from under the table and gazed out of the kitchen window.

“Get back here Jimmy!” hissed Shirley. “You’ll get yourself killed!”

“No,” said Jimmy. “It is time Shirley. We must activate the machine.”

Struggling, Jimmy pulled his wife to her feet. “I need you to help me.”

“We’ll both be killed!” screamed Shirley as Jimmy pulled her to the door to the garden. Jimmy threw it open and he and his wife went out into a lurid world full of laser beams, explosions, buildings collapsing and the screams of the injured and dying.

“Put your hands on here,” directed Jimmy positioning Shirley to press on an inlaid surface that had been welded to the side of the tower. “I will just be here on the other side, doing exactly what you are doing.”

Jimmy raised his own hands and as soon as he touched the structure, it began to vibrate. Colour danced up and down the welded creation and a groaning started as if the tower contained something that required desperately to be released.

Jimmy closed his eyes and all hell broke loose.

A purple ray emerged from the figurine’s lamp on top of the metallic structure and bathed the attacking vessels. All at once their structure faltered and began breaking up. Soon there were little or no alien craft visible in the sky and people all about began to cheer wearily. The purple ray continued to pour out and soon the sky reflected its colour. It was the colour of hope and eventual triumph.

High above the surface of the planet the Flag Commander of the ‘Zaabarra’ sat watching as its warships pounded the defending forces. It would all be over shortly and the Qqaarks could land forces to begin the mopping up and subsequently the readying of Earth to receive the immigrants from Debron. Mining could begin after an Earth year and colonies could be re-established. Oh yes, thought the Flag Commander, life would be sweet once all opposition had been removed.

One moment  all was in readiness for the final attack then reports started to come in to the ‘Zabbarra’s’ control room of the destruction of the warships. Often only a partial report came in and then it was cut off as the craft was destroyed.

Looking down on the planet’s surface the Flag Commander could discern a purple haze that drifted lazily around Earth. Within the haze, flashes of light could be seen that had to be the Qqaark vessel being destroyed.

Before an order to retreat to a safe distance could be made, the Flag Commander felt an unholy crunch permeate through its flagship and saw cracks appearing in the floor of its cabin. As the vessels structure disseminated the Flag Commander’s last thoughts were for his colony back on Debron and the fact that he had failed.

The metallic structure was examined and re-examined by scientists from all over the world, but no one could get it to start producing any more purple rays. In fact for all its world saving action, it appeared now as some artist’s mad dream captured in metal.

Two months later it was bought by a religious group who exported it to America to grace the quadrangle outside their temple.

For Shirley and Jimmy, after receiving an accolade from the world’s leaders for the saving of the planet, it gave them enough money to allow Jimmy to return to the life he loved, doing nothing.

Shirley happily dusted round him as he sat reading a book or just snoozing. She was content too, she had her garden back with grass and flowers and not a garden ornament in sight!

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